{"title":"Rubberhose \u0026 Ruins","description":"\u003cp\u003e\u003c!-- obsidian --\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003ch2 data-heading=\"Field Report: Session 36 \/\/ ---\"\u003eField Report: Session 27 \/\/ ---\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Archive intercepted a broadcast from 1934. Still looping.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe traced it to an order of monks whose core tenant was something most adventurers never achieve. When facing darkness, they aimed to make it uncomfortable first.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe monks, though strangely stoic, weren't solemn. They were cartoonish. They moved in odd ways. They smiled at things that shouldn't be smiled at. They waved happily at death and welcomed the abyss as a dance partner.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTheir temples were celluloid.\u003cbr\u003eTheir rituals were musical numbers.\u003cbr\u003eThey believed despair is a kind of consent, and the best way to breach a contract with doom is to refuse to stop grinning.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis collection is for the ones who crack the joke at the wrong time. Whose anxiety during the session doesn't come from the dragon, but from the unhinged player who grins at the dragon and pulls out a collection of limericks they'd composed. The players whose character art has pie-cut eyes and too many teeth.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThese artifacts are for the jesters.\u003cbr\u003eFor the ones who move wrong on purpose.\u003cbr\u003eFor the players who make the DM want to come up with creative new punishments.\u003cbr\u003eWho stare into the darkness, expecting it to blink first.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"smite-first-ask-questions-never-paladin-tee","title":"Smite First Ask Questions Never - Paladin Tee","description":"\u003ch6\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eArchive Reel: RR-SFAQN-02\u003cbr\u003eScene: Holy Overreaction\u003cbr\u003eFiled under: Divine Certainty \/ Vengeance \/ Consequences\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h6\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe mystery had layers.\u003cbr\u003eThe paladin had a sword.\u003cbr\u003eOnly one of those made it into the final report.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis broadcast fragment shows a grinning holy crusader charging through the ruins of an unknown hellscape with blade raised, fallen devils in his wake. His smile, like his smite, is radiant. The investigation phase has been canceled in the face of holy vengeance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Archive logged a strong resonance spike here: certainty, volume, and righteousness that made nuance flee the room.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery table has this moment: The suspicious and a-little-too-cool npc starts monologuing. The DM is clearly setting the hooks. Then the wrong three words are uttered. The guy who swore an oath of vengeance is a hammer and that npc is suddenly looking a lot like a nail. The DMs planned encounter turns into a percussion section.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWas it wise? Hard to say.\u003cbr\u003eWas it memorable? Absolutely.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis one is for the player who believes questions are for the ones who clean up after initiative. For the oath-bound problem solver on a holy mission and excellent posture. For the one who sees darkness, points at it, and lights it up with it with a smile.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePrinted on oathbound black cotton. Bone-devil-pale ink. Unisex fit. Divine oath pending.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eClaim the relic. Smite first. Let the clerics and scholars sort the details later.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"tsaurus.com","offers":[{"title":"XS \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742285609,"sku":"5664408_9527","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742318377,"sku":"5664408_4016","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742351145,"sku":"1938500","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742383913,"sku":"5664408_4017","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742416681,"sku":"1690577","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742449449,"sku":"5664408_4018","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742482217,"sku":"9788566","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742514985,"sku":"5664408_4019","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742547753,"sku":"1460594","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742580521,"sku":"5664408_4020","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742613289,"sku":"6718980","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742646057,"sku":"5664408_5295","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742678825,"sku":"8656959","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742711593,"sku":"5664408_5310","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264742744361,"sku":"9347707","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"5XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264742777129,"sku":"5664408_12871","price":44.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0790\/4123\/3193\/files\/unisex-staple-t-shirt-black-front-6a2e44b65111c.jpg?v=1781417190"},{"product_id":"live-laugh-loot-goblin-tee","title":"Live Laugh Loot - Goblin Tee","description":"\u003ch6 data-start=\"394\" data-end=\"587\"\u003eArchive Reel: RR-LLL-03\u003cbr\u003eScene: Treasure Goblin\u003cbr\u003eFiled under: Shiny Objects \/ Party Inventory \/ Personal Growth\u003c\/h6\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe recovered frame shows a grinning little treasure fiend posted up in a pile of coins, beads, goblets, and the kind of valuables that make parties forget every lesson they learned about temperance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere's a peculiar air around loot behavior. Everybody at the table feels it. The treasure is too plentiful, too perfect. The room is too quiet... suspicious. \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd still, someone says, \"I start grabbing...\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is for the player who treats treasure like the a personal development goal. For the party member whose moral compass always points at the shiniest object. For the walking disasters who hear the words \"possibly cursed\" and still begin to fill their pockets.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePrinted on ninja black cotton with pale goblin green ink and all the little dungeon details the Archive could stabilize without waking the coins. Unisex fit. Mimic-free guarantee.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGrab your loot before somebody responsible shows up.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"tsaurus.com","offers":[{"title":"XS \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745595177,"sku":"5664408_9527","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745627945,"sku":"5664408_4016","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745660713,"sku":"1938500","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745693481,"sku":"5664408_4017","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745726249,"sku":"1690577","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745759017,"sku":"5664408_4018","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745791785,"sku":"9788566","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745824553,"sku":"5664408_4019","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745857321,"sku":"1460594","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745890089,"sku":"5664408_4020","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745922857,"sku":"6718980","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264745955625,"sku":"5664408_5295","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264745988393,"sku":"8656959","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746021161,"sku":"5664408_5310","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746053929,"sku":"9347707","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"5XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746086697,"sku":"5664408_12871","price":44.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0790\/4123\/3193\/files\/Live_Laugh_Loot_Treasure_Goblin_Rubber_Hose_funny_D_D_T-shirt.jpg?v=1781564274"},{"product_id":"oh-no-dont-mind-me-mindflayer-tee","title":"Oh No, Don't Mind Me - Mindflayer Tee","description":"\u003ch6 data-heading=\"Archive Reel: RR-VIL01\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eArchive Reel: RR-NDMM-04\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eScene: Coy Mindflayer\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFiled under: Suspicious Manners \/ Bad Insight \/ Brain Food\u003c\/strong\u003e\n\u003c\/h6\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe said not to mind him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat was, apparently, the joke.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe recovered scene shows a bashful mindflayer caught in the act, one hand lifted to his mouth to hide his sheepish grin, like he just got caught taking the last cookie. At his feet, the smiling, hollowed-out remains of an adventuring party who appear to have taken the phrase \"don't mind me\" literally.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Archive logged heavy resonance around the pun. Coy delivery. Cheerful corpses. Brain activity reduced to decorative background noise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eClassic work, really. Let the party step closer. Let someone fail Insight. Let the wizard say, \"He may be dangerous, but we outnumber him and he might trade us some secrets.\" Then chuckle at your own little joke while the room gets significantly easier to manage.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis one is for the players who love villains with manners, timing, and may occasionally have a hankering for frontal lobes. The one who hears a terrible pun and groans because it made them laugh. The one who can't pass up a free meal.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePrinted on astral sea black cotton with pale green slime sealed in the fibers. Unisex fit. Increased chance of social encounter.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGrab this one before it grabs your cranium.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"tsaurus.com","offers":[{"title":"XS \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746152233,"sku":"5664408_9527","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746185001,"sku":"5664408_4016","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"S \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746217769,"sku":"1938500","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746250537,"sku":"5664408_4017","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"M \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746283305,"sku":"1690577","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746316073,"sku":"5664408_4018","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"L \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746348841,"sku":"9788566","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746381609,"sku":"5664408_4019","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746414377,"sku":"1460594","price":35.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746447145,"sku":"5664408_4020","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"2XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746479913,"sku":"6718980","price":37.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746512681,"sku":"5664408_5295","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"3XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746545449,"sku":"8656959","price":39.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746578217,"sku":"5664408_5310","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"4XL \/ Heavyweight","offer_id":53264746610985,"sku":"9347707","price":41.5,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true},{"title":"5XL \/ Classic","offer_id":53264746643753,"sku":"5664408_12871","price":44.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0790\/4123\/3193\/files\/Oh_No_Don_t_Mind_Me_Mindflayer_Pun_funny_D_D_t-shirt_1.jpg?v=1781580478"},{"product_id":"roll-high-or-die-trying-fighter-tee","title":"Roll High or Die Trying - Fighter Tee","description":"\u003ch6\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eArchive Reel: RR-RHDT-01\u003cbr\u003eScene: Reckless Delver\u003cbr\u003eFiled under: Initiative \/ Bad Odds \/ Grinning Anyway\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/h6\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003c!-- obsidian --\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe odds were terrible.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe gave them a thumbs up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Archive recovered this scene from the 1934 broadcast just after the pipe organ hit a cheerful little sting and the hallway filled with bones. 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